2 Corinthians 7: 8-10
8 For though I made you sorry with a letter, I do not repent, though I did repent: for I perceive that the same epistle hath made you sorry, though it were but for a season.
9 Now I rejoice, not that ye were made sorry, but that ye sorrowed to repentance: for ye were made sorry after a godly manner, that ye might receive damage by us (me) in nothing.
10 For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death.
Have you ever sent a letter to someone and they were so upset by it they never spoke to you again? I know, it seems pretty dramatic, but that happened to me. Well, I think more of the upset was that it was sent on to someone who needed to know it's contents, but otherwise never would have. That other person was upset, as would be natural, and consequences came from it for the original recipient. This experience taught me that God is mindful of each of His children. I hadn't been thinking about writing that night. I only even thought of the situation when I lay down to go to sleep. After some time of not being able to clear my mind of it, I made a phone call, but there was no answer. I lay down again and was uncharacteristically unable to sleep. I got up, wrote what I did, sent a text saying not to bother returning my call, and went to bed, immediately falling asleep. The next day I realized that God hears my every prayer. He answers my hearts every pleading. He is a God of justice and mercy. He gave me the closure of knowing that I was no longer the only other holder of the secrets, and that the one person who needed to know them, did. The girl who had been betrayed before would not be betrayed again. She would make her choice standing in the light of all that was true. He would learn that God loves his daughters and would avenge his wrongs before he could learn that he can get away with them. He would learn that the reigns he had been given needed to be tightened for his own safety and happiness. It was a painful experience for all three of us, but all three of us are so much better now for it. As I think back on it, if I had written that letter, knowing she would read it, it would have been a very different letter. It wouldn't have said any of the things it did. It would have said some things specifically for her, and not my hopes for him to make it right. I would have said things useful to her, things she would be helped to know, and I would have told her that even though I had loved him, I had learned things I hadn't seen before that needed to change before I would have him, and were not changing at all. I would have told her that despite the words in the past, I could never marry him, and did not seek to. I do not envy her, him for that matter, or their relationship and I am so blessed to not be in her shoes. Oh, I wouldn't have said that, I would have said that I wish them all the happiness the world has to offer, and I am pleased to see how it has worked out. But I didn't write that letter to her. I wrote it to him, for him. My Father knew what letter she needed to read, and she read it. I feel such gratitude to Him for it. For all of it. This man was outwardly good in many ways, and unbearable in others. Had my prayers of yesteryear been granted, I would be a miserable, unhappy woman constrained to live a life I don't want. I want more from life, love, and deep joy than he could ever give me, and thankfully, he knew it. Someone at work asked me yesterday about where I am with the situation now, some time later. Well, the situation couldn't be better for me, but also I can say that I am disappointed in the simple promises he has broken. I guess I should have learned by now not to trust in his honesty. That's all I asked for. He had been my best friend, and closer than anyone in my life had ever been. We grew and learned together, we shared our deepest struggles and darkest thoughts. We forgave each other for the faults we saw, and supported each other through the toughest times, where nobody else would have. We rejoiced on the highest peaks for our successes.
There was this girl long ago that he had dated. She married shortly after he and I met, but she asked him in a late night phone call several years later why he had never loved her... what was wrong with her? Well, nothing was wrong with her, love just never happened. At least that's what he told me at the time. It wasn't even slightly the truth. They continued the friendship they'd had for years, and never missed the birthday phone calls until he realized the inappropriateness of keeping a married woman so close. At least that's what he told me at the time. That wasn't the truth either. I wish I'd known then that those birthday calls were the day after my birthday, and that he excused himself from me to make them, instead of "work" phone calls. I ended up learning it from her, when she told me everything he never had. There was so much that he omitted by his silence. There was so much he flat out lied about. He left out and lied about so much, that I have wondered many times how much else were lies. The girl he referred to as "Crazy", let's call her Diana because that's her name. I know he lied about how she ended up naked and crying in his room. The girl he ended up marrying, I know too much and can only pity the lies he told her. The girls he never did anything with, that were destroyed when he "ended the friendships". The girl he said was only a friend, and he didn't like the way she smelled. I believed him when they told me he was cheating on me. Oh, the vastness of the lies. I was a fool not to have seen, and not to have even questioned that it is something he does. I wish I had known to protect myself against it. I wish I hadn't trusted the fiend so much. I have to laugh, He used to call himself a fiend, and I thought he was only being self-deprecating. His attempts to tell me who he really was went unnoticed even though they were oft repeated. He and I had loved greatly. He and I had shared the most intimate moments of our lives. Now, I am nothing to him. I am more than nothing. I am despised... and because his follies were lit with a bright light. I spoke to urge him to truly be the honest and forthright man he holds himself as being. I thought he was that. I have been proven wrong so very many times since we parted ways. I only wish I hadn't been such a fool. I was though. I was his silly little fool. He collects us, and we are only wiser when left in his wake. So no, I prefer to be where I am, instead of where my foolish wants would've taken me.
My life is better now than those years he was in it. I have joy he never brought me. I have fulfillment he held me back from. In hindsight I can see that he wanted a pretty toy he could fit into his world. I could only be a miserable shell in his world. He told me shortly before we abruptly ended and he proposed, that she was easier. She wasn't hard on him, and she let him not say things he didn't want to say. She was "on a need to know basis" and she didn't need to know about any of it. That the poor girl is stuck in that makes my stomach turn. There have been times, early on in our departure, when I missed the friendship, and I wish now that we had never been anything more than friends... acquaintances at best. He's a lovely acquaintance.
People sometimes ask me if I could take back one thing in my life what would it be? For many years my reply has been to have never met someone who came before him. That man said cruel things, and made me view life from a very different place. He was the person that broke my tender 21 year old heart. That's nothing in comparison, childsplay, and a schoolyard romance crushed. Now though, seeing the wasted years, the wasted emotions, the wasted efforts, the fruitless toils on his behalf, finding out the vast multitude of lies he told that I could have never known to ask about, and that I came away from him with only confusion that he would throw it all away for his own misstep... it is him I wish I had not met. It is the snake in the grass, and the despicable salesman with the eyes and voice I trusted. Without a worthy competitor, he is the dark spot on my life, and he smeared his ugly mark over too many years of it. His very name repulses me, and he is only referred to as "The Seven year Guy" or as The Liar, and I am only grateful it is not me who is his Fool now.
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